I Can Love You Like That... and other hero-codependency issues.
Song: "I Can Love You Like That", lyrics by azlyrics.com
We are looking for our Co-Heros
I used to have these dreams about being Superman. I dreamt that I could fly and even eventually got the suit and cape. It was a recurring dream most of my life. I still have that dream sometimes. When I got older and started longing for a partner, I found my dream started to include another person.
You know who was not in that dream? Louis Lane. I didn't want a doe-eyed reporter.
No. That part of the dream was of a fellow flyer, in blue and red, cape and all. Superwoman.
We flew together. Our adventures were possible (I knew instinctively) because we were cut from the same cloth, we were on a mission, equally empowered, fighting the same enemies with similar tools. Balancing each other's strengths but coming at the world from a symbiotic perspective.
If I ever have a partner again, she must have the same je ne sais quoi that I have. She must be of my tribe or clan.
This all got me re-thinking those lyrics I'd been humming all week.
Here's where I think the lyrics go drastically wrong and set us up for failure.
Women: You don't need anyone to rescue you. You need a mission partner.
They read you Cinderella, You hoped it would come true, That one day your Prince Charming, Would come rescue you...
I'm not saying that you don't want to be led well. Even my feminist friends tell me they want a strong man who leads well. But you don't need a rescuer.
You are a whole and complete person by yourself. You have value, worth, and strength of your own.
You have enemies of your own and the tools to fight those enemies inherent within you.
And all this time that you've been waiting, You don't have to wait no more
Don't be waiting around for him to come. Stop waiting. Go live your life. Find your mission. Find your calling, gifting, and passion. Do you. Keep your eyes open for him to join you in your cause, but have a cause for him to join.
Aimlessness is unattractive for both sides. If you want a high caliber partner, be on a mission so he knows if you are going the same direction and engaged in the same battle. You can partner together.
Men: You are not her savior, you are her partner. She is not your world, you are not hers, she needs a world-mission-vision to partner with.
I can love you like that, I will make you my world... I would give you my heart, Be all that you need
If you are constantly running to damsels in distress, being her codependent hero, you will always have distress to solve. She'll always be in distress. You will always be rescuing her. She will create distress to get your attention when you are not paying enough attention.
(almost) Never rescue anyone from their own choices. Go buy Boundaries (affiliate link), by Dr's Townsend and Cloud if you don't already understand why.
You don't need someone to rescue. She doesn't need you to codependently make her your world. She wants to join you in your adventure, not be your adventure herself.
In Wild at Heart (affiliate link), John Eldredge wakes us men up to the yearning in our souls for adventure. I believe it was in this book (could have been one of his others), John helps us see that she doesn't want to BE our adventure and focus, she wants to come alongside of us ON the adventure, together.
When I heard a good friend recently tell me about what caught her heart, she described how the man had similar passions and vision and she could see them working together to solve the problems they both care about in this world.
That's a mission-driven, outward-focused, partnership.
Mission-Driven Marriage: On a mission together
In the Building a StoryBrand podcast, Episode #178: How You and Your Family Can Live a Richer Story in 2020, Donald Miller discusses the importance of having a clear mission for your family. It doesn't have to be a life-long mission. Mission statements can be short-term. But they must be clear and compelling and drive action. This mission, he says, keeps us from becoming stagnant in our lives; where day runs into day with no higher meaning or purpose.
When you have a mission, you are not facing each other, which can lead to intimacy short term but also leads to fault finding and bickering. You are facing out, together, shoulder-to-shoulder, facing a common enemy.
When you are mission-driven, you will be happier, healthier, and more focused on the future than the present. More focused on why tomorrow matters. You move from surviving to thriving. This is true as individuals as well as families.
In this paradigm, nobody is being rescued. Nobody is being a rescuer. You are co-heros, on a journey in your joint story, on mission together, fighting a common enemy.
One pastor friend told me that the goal of a marriage is that each partner is facing the other, but focused on the world around them, able to see the enemies coming from behind their partner that they themselves cannot see.
Hint: Men, next time your wife (significant other) tries to point out something you are missing, don't feel attacked. That's her God-given ability to see something attacking you that you are not seeing. Feel grateful for her observations, they may have just saved your life.
On a personal note:
As a man, I have no way of knowing if you are my potential future partner if you are not on a mission of your own. I don't know if we are fighting the same enemies with the same goals.
Men, how will your woman know if you are on the adventure she wants to join if you aren't already on it?
Your turn: Comment below
What's your mission? What drives you? If you are waiting around for a partner to start, STOP THAT! Go get on a mission, and find your partner on the journey.
Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!
Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)
Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com
Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ
Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ
YES!
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