Why...?

Simon Sinek wrote a book, and a speech, and an empire, around the question... It starts with Why! 

I am listening to The Way of Kings, Brandon Sanderson, book 2, and Kaleden just defeat Seth son son Balano, Truthless of Shinovar. I found myself thinking how hard Kaledens life was in the story, and how he found a real smile. I then thought about Simon's book, and I wondered... 

Today, I ask myself, why? 

Why do I get up in the morning when I don't want to? 

Why do I get up and do this for and with people I'm responsible for, when everything in me says to turn it app off and go to bed?

Why do I bother trying to make things better when it only makes my life harder?

Why do I keep hoping, when I've never seen a positive outcome for it? 

The only place I ever find solace is in fictional worlds, in which magic and super powers exist. 

But here I am... Getting gas, eating dinner, and trying to find motivation to do another task or two before I succumb to sleep in a few hours. 

The problem is, I really don't know why. 

I know I feel responsible. 

I know I feel I "must" continue.

But I don't understand why. 

I wish I had a "why" that left me feeling compelled, rather than one that left me feeling coerced and conscripted. 

But I guess if it keeps me breathing another day, it's better than nothing. So I go on... 

But I wish I had a why... 

I wish I woke up in the morning glad to be alive and excited for the future. 

I never have. Not once that I can recall in my whole life. I've been entertained, distracted, and amused... But never genuinely excited. 

I watch it in others, and it feels like I wish I had that. 

I see glimpses of it when I write, creative fiction, even if I don't do it very often. 

Maybe someday.... Someday I'll have a why. 

Selah

Darrell Wolfe